


The Once and Future Dream

by dreamsaremadeofthis



Series: A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek AU - Fandom, Star Trek TOS - Fandom
Genre: Brief mention of suicidal thoughts-not Spock's, Enterprise 1701-B Tragedy, Everyone believes Jim died on Enterprise B, F/M, Lady Amanda's passing, M/M, Star Trek: Generations, oms, spirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-09 01:57:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15256887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsaremadeofthis/pseuds/dreamsaremadeofthis
Summary: Jim and Spock have shared a loving, fulfilling life together for almost 25 years.Former Lt. Com., now Ambassadorial Envoy Anne Saunders quietly severed her mating bond with Spock years ago to honor the sacrosanctity of his and Jim's previously undiscovered T'hy'la bond. Anne and Spock's marriage, born of necessity when Spock entered Pon Farr while they were stranded on a deserted planet after a tragic accident, resulted in the birth of a son, Surev. As Jim and Spock had no need for Terran marriage, Spock and Anne remained married in name only for their child, and Surev grew up surrounded by the love of his mother, his two fathers, four grandparents, and a large Enterprise family.Retired Captain James T. Kirk was guest dignitary on the maiden voyage of the Enterprise 1701-B, when it received orders to answer a distress call 3 lightyears away, resulting in the ship being ensnared by what would become known as the Nexus. Captain Kirk became a hero for the final time...as far as anyone in the 23rd century would ever know.A grieving Spock turns to the ones he knows can help save his sanity...and his life.





	1. The Moon Is The Sun's Dream

**Author's Note:**

> Read Part 1 [Requiem For A Dream](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14930522)      Read Part 2 [Life is But a Dream](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16807036/chapters/39449887)  
> 

“No…Spock..."

My communicator slipped from my hand unnoticed, scattering the blistering Vulcan sand at my feet, as I tried to process Spock’s news. A sickening surge of adrenaline shocked through my stomach. This news was devastating to me, but it would be many times worse for the two men I loved most.

I fought to regain at least a measure of control over my emotions, though I would rather have balled up and cried. But Spock deserved better from me, so I recovered my dropped communicator and asked without thinking, “Baby, where are you right now? Are you on planet?”

Spock didn’t mind my faux pas. In fact, I was sure he was in too much pain to even notice my use of an endearment. Spock was, after all, still my husband though in name only, my love for him having done nothing but increase through the years, much against my will.

“I am…here. I have been…accompanying the Klingon delegation to…to…” Spock's voice broke as he choked out the words. I could tell from even a few thousand kilometers away that pain was ripping through his head. It would be from more than just the news of Jim’s death; it was the sudden severing of their bond.

Even though I had ended my mating bond with Spock the day he and Jim sanctified their previously hidden T’hy’la bond on Mount Seleya, it didn't take a mental connection to know Spock would be suffering the tortures of hell from the very second of Jim’s death.

“Spock, relay your coordinates to my comm, and I’ll have Vulcan Central Command beam me to your location.”

“Anne, I cannot ask you to…”

“And you didn't. You knew I would go there when you called me, and you're right. I will tell your sa-mekh and then beam to you within five minutes, tops. Hold on. We’ll get you to a healer as quickly as possible.”

As my comm chirped announcing Spock’s incoming information, I searched across the horizon for Ambassador Sarek who was over the hill working at the opposite end of our archaeological dig. I knew Spock had not contacted his father yet, or Sarek would have already searched me out by now. As soon as I saw my father-in-law in the distance, I ran to him as best I could, ignoring shaky knees.

“Sarek! Ambassador, I need you now!” I called as I ran, knowing his enhanced hearing would pick up my voice. It was obvious the instant Sarek heard, as he turned and began running toward me. By the time we met up, I was out of breath and too upset to speak. He grabbed me by the upper arms and looked straight into my eyes. He could see I was distraught.

“Anne, I would have your thoughts,” Sarek advised, as he was unwilling to wait until my breathing calmed to learn what happened. I hated that I had scared him, because obviously his greatest fear would be for his son’s or his grandson’s safety. He raised his fingers to my face, and I watched his eyes as he comprehended the tragedy that had befallen our family.

Retired Captain James T. Kirk, Spock’s T’hy’la bondmate, had just died in action.

Being the ever present, selfless hero Jim always was no matter the situation, the captain had merely been an invited guest dignitary for the maiden voyage of the new Enterprise 1701-B, a labor of love for the highly-decorated former starship commander.

Something had gone horribly wrong, and somehow, Jim had been killed.

Sarek dropped his fingers from my face, as grief touched the Vulcan’s stoic visage.

“Ambassador, I have Spock’s location in my communicator. I ask to be released from my duties here to attend to my husband’s needs. If that is amenable to you, I also ask you to contact your grandson and inform him of his dad’s passing. It will be easier for Surev coming from you, I believe, as I don’t think I could even talk to our son without falling apart. It's going to be hard enough on him without my emotions making it worse."

“Of course, my daughter. After you relay Spock’s coordinates, I will contact my grandson and then meet up with you and Spock. Anne, I grieve with thee and thy husband. Please relay my condolences to my son. I will follow you shortly after I speak with Amanda, but I wish to do so in person as she continues in guarded health.”

“Thank you, Sa-mekh. Please give her my love, as always, and I will convey your sentiments. As soon as I arrive, we will contact a healer to stave off as much suffering as possible from Spock’s broken bond.

“And Ambassador, I grieve with thee and Lady Amanda at the loss of thy son’s bondmate." I tried to fight the tears burning my eyes. "Jim unabashedly loved you both. And his love for your son knew no bounds. Jim brought great joy and comfort to both Spock and Surev through their years together. I am…brokenhearted for all of you.”

I turned away and contacted the VCC for immediate transport to join Spock on Mount Seleya. I had expected to see Spock as I materialized but instead was met by Senak, emissary to the family matriarch. Elder T’Pau had already rearranged her schedule to make Spock her priority. A Vulcan’s broken mating bond was always difficult and healers were available to help them through the crisis. But a broken T’hy’la bond, so rare there was no record of existence in over an Earth century, could result in insanity or death for the surviving spouse and required the intervention of a Vulcan healer as quickly as possible.

Senak led me to T’Pau’s chamber where Spock was lying on a platform, T’Pau’s fingers pressed to his facial psi points, chanting softly in her native tongue. I had spoken fluent Vulcan for years now but tried not to listen to the private, revered words she expressed. I still remembered every stinging declaration of the elder who severed my bond with Spock.

The putting asunder of our bond had caused me not only mental pain, but deep heartache and emptiness, and only time had brought me to the place in my life when I could think of that moment without anguish. But the T’hy’la bond superseded any other, and it brought Spock and Jim such joy as baby Surev and I watched their ceremony.

Knowing their fulfillment with my mind, and letting go with my heart, were two very different things. But I could not help but rejoice for the completion of their love and for Surev having these two gentle, brilliant men as his fathers.

And then I thought again of the pain his dad’s death was going to bring Surev. He served his first duty on his dad’s Enterprise and now was away serving on the USS Excelsior with his friend and godfather, Captain Sulu.

I was such a coward asking Sarek to contact his grandson with the news of Jim’s passing. Dealing with my own grief, mirrored in my son’s voice, would not do justice to my son's Vulcan heritage. He deserved that dignity from me as I couldn't trust myself to not be embarrassing. I just needed time, and I would see Surev soon enough and grieve with him in person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All chapters named after movies with "Dream" in the title.
> 
> Story title from the song by Teena Marie: [The Once and Future Dream](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_izvAbhExY%E2%80%9Drel=)  
> Sa-mekh = Father  
> Sa-fu = Son  
> Sa'mekh'al = Grandfather


	2. Shaking Dream Land

It didn't take long before I couldn't handle another moment watching Spock lie there unresponsive, as T’Pau worked with him. This shouldn't be happening; not now, not this way. Jim and Spock deserved many more beautiful years together.

I had seen Spock in extreme pain several times over the course of our lives on the Enterprise: after our shuttlecraft crash; writhing on the verge of dying from Pon Farr; life-threatening injuries obtained while carrying out his duties as first officer.

They were nothing like this. This injury came from within the very core of his being.

What was it with these larger-than-life icons, that so many routine missions ended up with the cruelest of consequences?

Spock had already suffered an entire year marooned on M547 believing Kirk to be dead, while Jim suffered all through that same year believing Spock had been killed. Hadn’t these men been through enough?

This was supposed to be Jim’s retirement. He and Spock worked the occasional Starfleet publicity junket, did some consulting, and had been known to preside over a few of the more volatile interplanetary negotiations. Spock sometimes represented Ambassador Sarek on short diplomatic “milk runs," as he had been doing today—but never anything that would purposefully place either of them in harm’s way. They had finally reached this coveted time in their lives they had always looked forward to—leisurely enjoying being together, sharing non-life-threatening activities.

This launch excursion for the 1701-B was to be nothing more than a quick shakedown run to the edge of the Solar System and back to Earth orbit, more for public relations and press coverage than anything. Space flight couldn’t get any more routine or safe than that.

And yet, here we were yet again, choked by heartache and grief for a loved one lost, our lives intersecting on Mt. Seleya as this gentle, magnificent Vulcan suffered the loss of his T’hy’la. All their awards and commendations and recognition meant nothing to these men, compared to the priceless treasure they found in each other.

For Spock, this was the loss of his Jim. His great love.

I personally had sacrificed so much myself to protect and honor their sacred relationship. How had this quick space jaunt resulted in Jim’s death? Was there some catastrophic failure of ship components that threw them off trajectory? Were they attacked and propelled off course? 

And most important to his grieving family—why couldn't Jim, just this once, let someone else do the dangerous work? After all, as the captain himself once said, he had done his bit for king and country.

I sat all alone now in the dark, cavernous Hall of Ancient Thought, my sobs echoing back at me. As Sarek shimmered and materialized in front of the carved stone bench where I sat crying, he dropped to his knee, searching my swollen red eyes, his own face strained with controlled grief.

“Are you unwell, Anne? Where is Spock?"

"I’m alright, Ambassador. He's in there with T’Pau.” I turned my head, pointing toward her chamber. “I just couldn’t bear watching his misery any longer. Please go to him and do whatever you can to keep him alive. And if there’s anything I can do, just...just tell me.”

“I will do everything in my power, Anne. And I will keep you apprised of his progress.” Sarek moved to stand, but I reached out and caught his arm.

“Were you able to contact Surev?”

“Not at this time,” he answered gently. “However, I have relayed a message to the Excelsior, and we should be able to communicate within the hour.”

“Thank you, Sa-mekh,” I replied weakly, as I dropped my hand. He stood and turned back to enter T’Pau’s chamber.

Forty-seven minutes passed before Sarek returned and sat beside me as he was speaking with my son, his grandson.

“Your mother is here with me on Mt. Seleya, and Elder T’Pau is melding with your sa-mekh presently. She was able to begin the healing procedure within minutes of your dad’s passing. It will take time, and at this point we can only trust in her abilities to bring your father through this safely, his mental faculties intact.”

Overhearing Sarek’s words rattled me, as now the ambassador listened silently to Surev’s end of the conversation. I was certain my son was in shock to learn of the horrible loss of his dad.

“Yes, my grandson, T’Pau has been practicing this technique with thousands of grieving bondmates over the course of a century. Even though there has not been another broken T’hy’la bond in all that time, no one could be more experienced and qualified to care for your father than she. Spock is in good hands, Surev. Do not despair this way regarding your sa-mekh’s well-being. I assure you—all that can be done, is.” Another silence as Sarek listened.

“I am gratified Captain Sulu is granting you leave to come to Vulcan as soon as possible. It will be advantageous to our family’s grieving process to share this together.” More silence on Sarek’s end.

“Yes.....Yes. And now I am handing my communicator to your mother to return to T’Pau’s chamber. I am overseeing the healing process and will maintain diligence relaying pertinent information to you as quickly as possible. Please inform us when you are scheduled to arrive here on Vulcan. And give my condolences to Captain Sulu. I am aware he considered James as family and will also grieve his passing. Here is your mother.”

As I took Sarek's comm, I trembled slightly with anticipation at finally having this chance to speak directly with my son after two years. We often sent video messages to each other, but our chances to speak in real time were few and far between, with the Excelsior’s assignments deep into unexplored space, out of range of normal communication without extraordinary means, as had been arranged now.

“Surev, I grieve with thee over the loss of your dad. I know how deeply you loved Jim and he you. How are you doing?”

“Mom, do not worry about me. Just take care of Sa-mekh. I will have adequate time for meditation to deal with this before my departure. Right now the most important thing is telling me the truth about my father. Have you seen him yet? What is happening right now? How did you find out? How long have you been on Mt. Seleya? What exactly is T’Pau doing? Do you think father will survive this? Will he still be the same?"

Perhaps Surev had shielded his most despondent emotions from Sarek as they talked, but there were no such constraints with me, as my son openly teetered on the brink of panic.

“Surev, please breathe, Son. I will tell you all I know, but my knowledge is very preliminary at best.

“I was working with your grandfather’s research team at Kulvir, shoring up an artifact excavation site, when your father commed me. He had been escorting a Klingon delegation for Sarek when his bond with Jim violently snapped and vanished, causing Spock excruciating head pain. He collapsed, and his assistant, Stavin—I believe you met him years ago on the Enterprise when you escorted Sarek and his entourage to outer Greshon on a peace-keeping mission—he brought your father back to consciousness. Stavin was able to contact T’Pau’s office and arrange an immediate healing session for your father, and T’Pau has been working with Spock ever since.

“I beamed here to be with Spock as soon as I relayed your father's message to Sarek. Your grandfather arrived minutes later and has been at your father's side in T’Pau’s chambers ever since.

“Baby, your sa-mekh is getting the best care possible. I promise, your sa'mekh'al would allow nothing less, and neither would I. We will bring Spock through this, no matter what it takes. T’Pau is doing everything possible to relieve his suffering and prevent any permanent damage.”

“Mother, Father needs you," Surev insisted. "You must know that. He will need you now more than ever. I am gratified that you were able to get there so quickly. It is you Father called first. He knows he can completely trust in you. And I will join you the moment my leave is officialized and I can secure transport. Until then, all my thoughts are with you and Father. Please, Mother. I cannot lose Sa-mekh too. Please make them save my father!”

Surev’s voice broke with grief, and I ached at the fear I heard there. My son, of course, knew there was nothing I could do to make anyone work miracles. But he also knew I would be praying to the One I believed did. I had seen inexplicable wonders before. Surev’s very existence was the greatest miracle of my lifetime. 

However, I believed it would actually be his son that Spock needed most now. Surev had always been precious to Spock, ever since they formed their familial bond even while Surev was still in my womb. And I was certain it would be Surev’s presence that calmed his father through this time of unspeakable grief. Not I.


	3. Running On Empty Dreams

Hours had passed since Sarek would leave his son’s side, even for refreshment or personal care. I chose to remain at the periphery outside T’Pau’s chamber, watching from afar, taking no chance of interrupting the healer’s meld with Spock while she chanted the ancient words and mantras which had passed down from the time of the beginning, without change.

The concentration and strength required to maintain an unyielding meld with Spock, hour after hour, were taking a toll on the elder. She probed through Spock’s normally well-ordered mind which now churned in chaos, a gaping void left by Jim's absence.

And though no bond could ever withstand death, Spock’s mind was weakening in its struggle to survive as a separated identity without it.

When Spock finally entered into a deep healing trance, he was moved to a private restoration chamber where his vital signs would be monitored by apprentice healers and by his own father.

T’Pau would remain on call, but she herself needed replenished by her own meditations after such a grueling ordeal at her advanced age. She had always been taught that a T'hy'la bond was stronger and more deeply integrated than a normal mating bond, but her training had in no way prepared her for the reality she had faced today. 

Sarek earlier advised Surev and me there simply was no reliable data upon which to base a prognosis. Nothing was left for us but to wait and attend.

I wouldn't consider leaving this place until I knew Spock was out of danger, but fight as I tried, sleep had overtaken me sometime during the night, because Sarek found me lying on my bench seat in the great hall.

“Anne, please wake." Sarek gently shook my shoulder. "I have news.”

It took a few seconds to focus my eyes on Sarek who had again knelt before me, his face a model of stoic control. My guess was that sometime in the past few hours, Sarek had taken time in Spock's chambers to meditate and regain order within himself.

“I would not normally disturb you, but you wanted to be informed as soon as we had an update on Spock’s condition.”

“Of course. Yes, Sarek, definitely.” I felt a surge of adrenaline strong enough to clear my head and push myself back up, leaving space for Sarek to sit beside me.

“How is Spock?" I asked, rubbing my eyes. "Is he going to make it? Will he be okay?”

“T'nash-veh ko-fu svi' to-gav, there has been a change. Spock’s vital functions are weakening. I have had to consult further with T’Pau. Anne, she believes Spock is dying.”

“Oh God," I moaned, fully awake now. "Could she be wrong? She hasn’t ever worked with a T’hy’la bond before. Is…is there someone else we can bring in to meld with Spock and try to help him?”  
  
“Anne," Sarek spoke, his eyes intense but strained, "What I say to you now, I require you to heed with all due diligence. I am aware your emotions are raw and you are exhausted from worry, neither of which is conducive to making life-changing decisions.

“However, Spock is running out of time. He may not survive until morning unless drastic steps are taken immediately. And even then, there is only a 13.7 percent probability that any action we take will prove adequate to sustain his life.”

“What, Sarek? What steps?" I insisted. "What are you and T’Pau considering doing to him?"

“T’Pau believes the only course of action that will save Spock’s life is for him to bond with someone else now, even though he is unconscious," Sarek advised.

“Oh my God. Bonding again. How can something so gloriously beautiful become so ugly and destructive?" I was truly becoming sick to death of Vulcan physiology. But this was an emergency, and the urgency of Spock's need was grave. 

"Of course, Sarek," I quickly assented. "I support you both, whatever you decide is needed to save Spock. There must be thousands of available native Vulcans who would be honored to bond with Spock without delay—someone who will live as long as he will so he'll never have to go through the heartache of a broken bond again.

“And if I need to divorce Spock through Terran law, of course I'll make arrangements. I’m sure Spock would find it logical for us to divorce now anyway, with Surev grown and living his own life. Should I contact the Terran Consulate right now to file divorce intent?” I asked, seeing no reason to delay. I had already resigned myself to the inevitable.

“Oh, t'nash-veh kan, T’Pau and I do not speak of divorcement or finding someone else for Spock’s bonding.

"T’Pau means you. She believes you are the only one who can save Spock’s life.”

I jumped to my feet, almost tripping over myself. “What!?" I yelled, my words echoing off the cavernous walls. "Are you out of your Vulcan mi..."

Oh my God! I clapped both hands over my mouth, my eyes bugging out above them. I was _horrified_. I couldn't believe the heinous offense I just committed, not just against the Vulcan ambassador, but my husband's father. I began vigorously shaking my head side to side.

"Oh, Sarek...Sa-mekh! Please forgive me. I would never....I could never...That's just something Dr. McCoy used to say all the time and you so shocked me, it just came out. I...I am deeply ashamed!" I bowed my head once in obeisance for my wrong.

"Anne, it is of no import," he said, dismissing my transgression.

And then, refocusing on his outrageous request, I directed a searing glare into Sarek's eyes.

"But me? You want _me_ to bond with Spock? After all this time? After all I have gone through?

"No! No, I…no! T'Pau's  _wrong_.” I shook my head vehemently. “She’s exhausted and not thinking clearly. You are overwrought and thinking illogically. It's been 25 years since Spock and I were bonded. Don't you understand? You son has not touched me in 25 years.

“And anyway, Spock loves Jim. He regards me, sure, but he _loves_ Jim in a way that—he won’t want to be bonded to me. He would not accept me again as his partner.

“Most important, don't forget—Spock will outlive me by a century. That means he would have to find _another_ mate in just…years! You can’t condemn him to that.  
  
"No, you find a Vulcan or an out-worlder who has a longer lifespan. Anybody else but me. I'm not the one to do this. You are talking about trapping him with...”

“Anne, stop! Cease at once!" Sarek sternly barked. "T’Pau has meditated regarding all of those considerations. There is no one else.

"My son has _great_ regard for you, Anne. You are the mother of his child. Do you not realize that at the time Spock initially bonded with you and married you, he had every intention of remaining with you the rest of your life? At that time, neither he nor James knew anything of being telsu.

“I believe Spock will find it both amenable and logical to bond with you again. You have been married all of Surev’s life. There would be no need for divorce. And certainly, your son would find comfort in his parents’ rejoining, rather than finding a stranger to bond with his father, right after losing his dad. You know this. You know that for as much as your son loved James, he loves you and loves Spock—you are already a family unit.

“Anne, hear me." Sarek stood and put his hands on my shoulders. "We believe your husband has slipped into a death trance. There is no assurance his mind would even accept a new bond with anyone else. Spock’s chances of survival are much greater bonded with you—we already know his mind will accept you, as it did before."

“No!" I snapped, anger coursing all through me. "How dare you ask this of me. I’ve struggled all these years to accept the loss of your son as my mate. I've loved Spock with everything in me for decades.

"But my devotion was tossed aside, rejected, while I watched the love of my life find refuge and bliss with someone else." I was shaking at the thought these people had this much cruel audacity.

“Look, I accepted the way things had to be because I respect T’hy’la. But you can’t expect me to rebond with the man who did not want me, no matter how much I loved him. No matter how we much we shared that year together as I carried our son inside me.

“Not to mention, I would be put through torture every second of every day the rest of my life. Not even Spock could put up a shield strong enough that I wouldn’t feel his constant grieving for Jim.

“Sarek, Spock would never choose me," I insisted. "Even when we spent our year together, he was in love with Jim and I didn't even know it. God, Sarek, whatever killed your son-in-law, I'd give anything to go in his place and have Jim here. Don't forget, Ambassador, I'm only Human. My heart couldn’t take this. It would kill me, and then you’d _still_ have to find someone else." I shook my head violently to dismiss any further discussion.

"No."

Sarek was stunned, his eyes shadowed by something I had never seen before. 

"Of course, Anne. I understand now. All these years, I should have known. Amanda tried to warn me; even Surev tried, but I dismissed their worries as vain imaginings. Now I see they were right. You have suffered enough, sacrificed enough for our family. You deserve peace." He dropped his hands from my shoulders and turned and walked back toward Spock's restoration chamber. 

As I watched him go, I became aware I was having trouble breathing, maybe the result of so many years' worth of pent up anguish and resentments, finally unleashed. I felt dizzy like I did after we crashed the Galileo. I tried to call out to Sarek, but darkness overtook me first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> T'nash-veh ko-fu svi' to-gav = My daughter-in-law  
> Oh, t'nash-veh kan = Oh my child


	4. On That Night...While We Dream

I woke with a start to learn that as I fainted, Sarek had rushed back and caught me, sweeping me up into his arms like a child (apparently a family trait, I pondered sarcastically). He had carried me to Spock’s restoration chamber and laid me on the platform beside my husband.  Even though my father-in-law had taken care to prevent any part of my body from touching Spock, I found it difficult to be grateful.

When I got my bearings, I sat up, indignantly tossing my legs over the side; Sarek and T’Pau stood by Spock's monitors, eyes tinged with concern.

I was livid.

“You have no authority to do this against my will, Sarek. What were you going to do? Bond us while I slept, too? After I implored you to use someone else instead of me?”

“Anne, I would grant my son passage to the next realm before I would allow anyone to violate you in such manner. You are a sovereign being of your own right, and you have clearly made your wishes known. No one on Vulcan will be forcing you to do anything; now, or ever.”

I calmed slightly, but there was still the fact Sarek had laid me beside his son—this man whose skin had turned ashen, his face tight and drawn, bereft of any of his aura's usual glow. I looked down at him sadly, his life force draining away by the second.

Without warning, my mind flooded with so many beautiful memories I had fought to suppress for 25 years, determined to never think on them again.

Spock grabbing me and saving both our lives; watching as he took such meticulous care repairing my extensive injuries, while ignoring his own far more serious wounds; the pain in his eyes when I cried out in agony as he removed that first mangled piece of metal embedded in my shoulder.

Hiding behind a tree and watching his beautiful body as he washed in the lake; building our cabin together. Spock disappearing without warning, to protect me from any chance he would harm me as his blood fever bore down. Frantically searching and finally finding him close to death, then much as he was now, his own hormones and chemicals threatening to consume and destroy him.

Making love so sweetly that very first time in the soft grass beside the Galileo, followed by uncountable intimacies in his arms. And here on Mt. Seleya in the claiming chamber, after T’Pau completed our bond.

Watching Spock stroke my swollen belly while communing with our energetic unborn son. 

And I could never forget in a million lifetimes the torment on Spock’s face, the panicked tears and grief in his eyes, as we prepared to sacrifice my body to try and deliver Baby Surev alive.

But then, my memories returned to that all too familiar pain—holding my precious baby as we watched the radiance and joy on Spock's face, shining like a thousand suns, reflected right back at him in Jim’s eyes, as T’Pau blessed and completed their sacred ancient bond.

Now, heartache flooded me anew as I looked down at my husband, remembering how back then I couldn’t believe this amazing Vulcan loved me.

And then he didn't.

After their ceremony on Mt. Seleya, it took every bit of strength I had in me to ensure no one found out about the black abyss where my soul drifted aimlessly in despair. I felt as though their warrior bond had ripped my heart out of my chest.

For a mere 15 months, my entire world centered around the man who now lay beside me dying. I hadn’t even known Spock _was_ deeply in love with our captain, he had so carefully guarded that precious secret from everyone. And he had meant it to remain buried for the rest of his life.

And now, as my son had insisted hours ago, I finally faced that only one thing really mattered tonight—that his father survive. Spock didn’t deserve to die like this. He had done nothing wrong. This was a tragedy, cruelly thrust on him and Jim, Spock an innocent victim.

How could I let him die, if there was a chance I could prevent it? Could I even live with myself afterward if I didn't at least try?

Or worse, could I ever face my son again? After all, mere hours before, I had promised him:  _We_ will _bring Spock through this, no matter what it takes._

Had I not also promised Spock's father I would do anything, _anything_  to save Spock; that he had only to ask?

And then one more suppressed memory invaded my reverie; the final conviction of my indulgent self-pity. As Spock had writhed in agony on the ground beside the Galileo, burning alive with blood lust, I had declared steadfastly that _I would gladly give my life for him._

Had that changed? Of course not. It just had taken such long years before to dig my way out of the darkness after I lost Spock.

I was afraid. Afraid of my love for Spock threatening to destroy me again. Of being swallowed up by deep emotions that served no purpose but to torture me. I had hid my constant struggle from everyone, trying to provide my son a rich, full childhood unscathed by his mother's twisted sorrow.

And I had just spent the past hour proving myself to be a complete fraud, the worst kind of liar. Now, when Spock needed me again, I had vulgarly turned my back on him. On our entire family. I had betrayed their trust.

Finally, the weight of my conviction broke my stubborn will. I saw my selfishness, the ugly self-pity. But enough. It ended now.

Sarek and T’Pau had remained vigilant over Spock’s monitors, silently allowing me time to dig deep enough to realize on my own that at the crux of it all, I desperately wanted the love of my life to live.

The fact that he didn't want me was of no import. I would do all I could to save him, and then I would assure him he was free to carry on his life in any way he saw as logical and necessary.

I would make myself available for him every seven years until I grew too old and feeble to meet his needs. I had no idea how I'd ever be able to handle that emotionally, but I would deal with it when the time came.

I steeled my heart and surrendered my fears to God. “Sa-mekh svi' to-gav, Healer T’Pau. I have brought dishonor upon myself and my family by my grievous offense.

“I choose the bonding. Please proceed immediately. I can sense Spock fading away."


	5. Dreaming The Quiet Man

_It's as though I've never been here before. I recognize nothing. Fog swirls around me, at my feet, over my head…I have no idea how far it extends because I can see no further than inches in any direction …so much confusion…everything is thick, heavy, opaque …no, that’s not true…I can see high in the distance a billowing darkness slowly overtaking the light…rumbling as an approaching storm, tendrils of impulses streaking across like lightning…it is foreboding, threatening…dark, ravenous...greedily devouring everything in its path._

_“No! Move back…you will not be tolerated here!”_

**_“It is_ you _the Vulcan does not want.”_**

_“T’Pau, the storm talks to me…I can feel its thoughts.”_

**_“The Vulcan wishes to go with us, to take him to his love. Release him. Oh Vulcan, your beloved is here with us, waiting. Reach out to us…your love is calling you to his side…he awaits you in his bed…his body longs for yours to join with him once more…he will comfort you…he will kiss you with the kisses of his mouth…he is your every desire.”_ **

_The darkness roars its warning at me. I answer, "_ _You cannot have him! He has a lifetime to complete here. He has a son...a father, a mother...Our universe awaits him to fulfill his destiny, a hundred years of achievements yet to be seen... the man belongs here. This, now is his appointed time. You cannot have him. He is needed…here…now. I will not let go of him."_

**_"The Vulcan does not want you."_ **

_“Spock…Spock, please answer me…I 'm here for you. Come to me…you can be with Jim for eternity, after you finish here first…Your son loves you…Amanda…needs you. Sarek weeps silently for his beloved son...he implores you to come with me…_ _Spock, can you hear me? Spock. I will not leave."_

“Anne, can thee see thy bonding cord?” T'Pau asks from a million kilometers away.

_“No, I see nothing but the fog and the storm…I see no cord, no thread. It is not here...Spock! Spock, I am here to bond with you, to bring you home…reach out to me, please.”_

“Thee must dispel the swirling clouds and search for the golden thread. If it will not come to thee, thee must discover it," T'Pau instructed. "Anne, are thee not committed?”

_“I…I am steadfast…Spock…Let me lead you to your son, family. They need you. Spock, where are you?”_

“Anne. Thee are not being honest with thy husband. You must tell him, Anne. Tell him thy truth. He awaits the authentic truth of thy heart.”

_“I cannot! My truth might push him farther away. He might be lost forever. He…does not want my truth.”_

“Thee has trusted thy husband with thine own life, time after time. Can thee not trust him now?” I could feel T'Pau's disappointment in me.

 _“Oh…T’Pau, that is_ _my truth. I do not trust Spock with my life. I haven't for years."_

_**"See? The Vulcan does not want you. You are unworthy of him."** _

_“Spock…help me to trust you again...I'm blind here... I’m scared, Spock._

_"I’m stepping out. If I fall, only you can catch me…the surface below me quakes…I drop to the surface…I'm crawling, stretching, touching everywhere, frantically reaching out to feel the thread…Spock! Can you help me? I’m so afraid."_

I hear Sarek call to me from a great distance. “Anne. Let go. I know you are frightened. I know you have suffered." His voice is gentle and kind. "T'nash-veh kan. Let go.”

_“I’m...I'm trying...so hard. Spock, I need your help! We need you. I…I still need you… my…my love."_

_**"Behold. The Vulcan does not want your love. Be gone. He does not seek you."** _

_“I do. I still love you so much.  You do not have to love me back. I promise. But please, Spock, I beg you, come back. I won't stop trying as long as I have breath. You belong here with us._

_“T’Pau, the fog is clearing a little around me…”_ Finally. Hope.

“Anne, keep moving. Quickly. Do not forget thy truth.”

_“Spock, I...will...not...give...up! I will search until I find you!_

_“T’Pau, the storm is retreating now, slowly, moving further away."_

_**"No. You will not banish me. The Vulcan is mine. You are unworthy. You are not Vulcan."** _

_“There! I think I see the thread. I'm running, stumbling toward it. Spock! Help me reach you.”_

T’Pau intensified her meld with us. I could feel her. I could see her lifting her head, eyes closed, as she pressed her fingers more urgently against our faces; a fierceness and energy I had never experienced during any meld before.

“Seize the bond, Anne. Reach out,” T'Pau warned.

_“It's as though this cord suddenly recognizes me. It leaps toward me. Oh my God! It's wrapping around me, enveloping me…I feel it everywhere, spreading inside me. Spock! You’re alive! I feel you.”_

The waves of T’Pau’s profound healing power began fusing our damaged remnants, binding us once again as we were so long ago. This warmth was familiar, beautiful, ethereal. And I was stunned there was no sense of resentment within its weave.

I remembered everything I had buried. Spock’s mind, though still in trance, allowed me inside, and I moved timidly among its jumbled corridors. There was hardly any structure now, just chaos and disarray caused by his sudden loss and grief.

But it was Spock’s mind, brilliant and elegant. I had missed this so much, and I hadn’t allowed myself to admit that for years.

I could feel the thrumming at the back of my mind, weak, small. But definitely alive.

And once again it felt like…home.

_Song of Solomon Chapter1, Verse 2_


	6. Dreaming / Falling

_“Anne, I have waited years for this moment.” Spock was gazing at me passionately. "You know, Ashaya, all was not what it seemed. I had grown tired of Jim. You know the captain—always his roving eye. He was never you. He never worshipped me as you did. Anne, your hands, your mou…”_

“Stop!”

I cried out as I bolted up from the platform beside Spock, waves of dread running up and down my skin as I realized I’d just had  _that_  nightmare again.

It wasn’t exactly what we Humans called a recurring dream, though this was hardly the only time I’d woke up shaking from some variation of it.

Not like that one nightmare I'd had to endure at least sixty times over the years, mostly right after Spock and Jim moved in together. In this one, Spock and I were always floating on some fluffy cloud, the only one in an otherwise azure, sun-kissed sky, floating out over a tranquil ocean beach; both of us free of clothing, his fingers and lips all over me with the tenderest lust-glazed eyes. My heart would practically sing with the sheer ecstasy of his desire. I’d smile and touch my lips to the tip of his nose, kiss my way across those alluring eyebrows, then mouth my way back down his face to his soft, welcoming lips. Then suddenly, Spock’s brows would furrow into an evil sneer, his eyes flaming with rage as he forcibly kicked me over the side, where I found myself plunging head first toward jagged boulders below.

So far, I had always woken before my face was impaled; but it felt so real that my body responded anyway. I'd wake in frenzied horror, shivering in a cold sweat; heart racing, gasping for breath. And then I'd cry _—_ sometimes for hours. The only way I could calm myself was to sit and hug my arms tightly around my knees and just rock in my bed, trying to convince myself it wasn't real, that it was just that same stupid dream again and it meant nothing. Then I'd pray this was the last time I had to go through it.

But over and over, I determined the next time I was listed on the duty roster for a dangerous mission, I would make sure I didn’t return. I could never end it all myself; I didn’t want my son to think of me as a coward. But if I could step in to save someone else's life, at least my death would be honorable, and Surev and my family would never know the truth. My son would still have two fathers who loved him like he hung every moon in the galaxy.

My torment would finally be over, and the men would have each other without the specter of our meaningless marriage certificate hanging over them. Yet, somehow, it just had never worked out. Whenever I saw someone in danger, there would always be security officers or someone else to step in before I could do anything. I never got to...

Since our rebonding, I had slept next to Spock per T’Pau’s instructions, remaining close enough to touch hands. She insisted Spock would draw energy from my touch and recover sooner.

I was relieved to see that we must not have been touching during the nightmare. Spock's eyes remained closed, his breathing slow and steady, unchanged. He gave no indication that the bond carried the awful things in that dream across into his awareness. Thank God. 

_"Mother.”_

My son’s voice was a soft, sweet whisper in my mind, reminding me he would be here on Vulcan soon. I must still be on the edge of sleep to think I heard him. I missed him.

The first time T’Pau sanctified our marriage bond, it was fireworks sizzling between us. This time, just knowing Spock’s life signs were stabilizing was fireworks enough. He was alive, and that was all that—

_"Mother.”_

I frowned and shook my head slightly. Ok, it was clearer that time. I was definitely still dreaming _—_ or if not, something had gone wrong with our bonding, and I was hallucinating. At this point, I wasn’t sure which was correct.

I could hear Surev’s soft voice as clearly as if he were standing beside me. And he wouldn't be for at least 36 hours.

_“Mother, I will make sure you never have to suffer either of those dreams again.”_

Oh my God. The bonding had, I guessed, driven me mad. There was no other explanation.

I climbed off the platform and searched around the entire chamber just to be sure no one else was speaking to me or playing a trick on me, which was a stupid thought since Vulcans weren't exactly known for pranks. But no, there was no one in this room except for Spock.

“Surev?” I whispered cautiously, “Are you here somewhere? Did you secure a faster transport? Are you on Mt. Seleya?”

 _“It is time, Mother. Time for me to tell you. I believe you always knew, or at least suspected._   _Remember when you carried me? You somehow just knew you were bearing a son, long before_   _Father told you? You sang...you read to me.”_

No, I was definitely going insane. “Son, how are you doing this? Where are you?”

 _“I am on the transport, light years away, as my sa'mekh'al told you. But I feel Father’s life energy returning, growing stronger._   _You bonded with Father, didn’t you?”_

After all I had gone through, now was when I lose my mind?

“How are you talking to me? I don't understand.”

_“I’m sorry, Mother. I should have told you. As you suspected, a familial bond did develop between us. I always could have communicated with you this way. But by the time I was old enough to understand, I realized you were so sad and you were trying to protect me from knowing. You tried so hard to hide your turmoil from me. But I could always feel how mournful you really were._

_"You were always present with me, so I never needed to communicate with you this way. I would not now, but when you again experienced the nightmare, after I thought they were finally gone, I decided it was time to stop your unnecessary pain."_

“Surev! Are you telling me you’ve always been in my head? All your life?”

 _“No...no, Mother. I did not purposefully intrude on your privacy. But when you experience extreme emotions, sometimes your thoughts bleed through to me. I don’t seek them out._   _I was meditating while ago when I heard you cry out. I decided to tell you the truth and promise there will be no more nightmares after I see you."_

“I…I never knew or I would have shielded long ago. I had no idea a familial bond could exist between us after you were born, much less could be this strong. I'm....mortified. My poor son! I never wanted you to know any of this."

Nothing of the past 25 years was as I had thought. All my hard work to hide my pain from my son so he could live a happy, normal life...it was all a lie. I hadn't protected him at all.

“Oh, God! All those things I never wanted you to know. About your father, about Jim…about me. Those are awful things for a child to know his mother thinks about…”

_“Mother, please try to forgive me. We'll talk when I arrive there. Thank you for saving Father’s life. I know what a sacrifice this is for you after years of grief and despondency.”_

“No, Surev. Oh my God. What you must think of me. I...I need  _your_  forgiveness.”

_“I know how deep your sadness is. I know you felt betrayed by Father. I know the many nights you cried yourself to sleep….or cried instead of sleep. I was afraid to tell you, afraid it might push you over the edge if you knew.”_

“Surev, I love you. But I don’t want to talk to you any more right now. I have to…I have to think. How do I process this? Don’t…don’t do this again until I can see you in person unless you really need me. Please.”

 _“But Mother, I need to know first. Can you perceive Father's condition through your connection?_   _Can you read any of his thoughts yet? I cannot.”_

“I've sensed nothing from your father so far. He hasn’t resumed consciousness, and I have no awareness of any brain activity. Surev, stop. No more. Your father is still in a healing trance and doesn’t even know we’re bonded again yet.”

 _“He knows, Mother. Father has much to say to you when he comes out of his trance._   _And there is much to be said when I arrive.”_


	7. As Dreamers Do

Almost 18 hours had passed since T’Pau officiated the rebonding ritual between Spock and me.

I had seldom left his side, as T’Pau was adamant we touch constantly.

Not quite on board with that, I agreed to a simple schedule of ten minutes on, during which I would hold Spock’s hand, and five off.

And not only that, T’Pau wanted me to be the one who bathed Spock’s body, she believing the very act of stripping him and the contact naturally required to wash his bare skin would accelerate Spock’s extraction from his trance.

Uh, no. T’Pau had plenty of medical aides for such duties. I would not be stripping my husband at any time in the foreseeable future. Perhaps never. And what if he awoke while I was cleaning him and somehow thought I was molesting him? No, I was unwilling to even chance that happening. I was already afraid he would wake with me holding his hand and be gravely offended I was touching him before we could explain. I kept reminding myself: to Spock's consciousness, Jim had only been gone a few hours. He would be grieving for a long time. A lifetime, actually.

Sarek had provided a comfortable chair for my vigil by Spock’s bed, and I was using the time to read and pray and meditate.

I studied engineering manuals and technical journals, finding them the only material that kept me from drifting into my own thoughts, a bottomless pit I preferred to stay as far away from as possible.

Unsure how Spock was going to react to everything that had transpired, it seemed a total waste of energy and emotion to make any kind of plans for the future. I was lost. Again. Just like 25 years ago. And now that I was bonded to his son, I wasn't sure what Ambassador Sarek's plans would be regarding my present engineering assignment.

Plus, I felt very unsettled after my long-distance discussion with Surev. It was very disheartening to realize I'd actually been lying to myself for my son's entire life.

It was almost time for our next scheduled touch when I heard Spock begin to stir. I called for assistance while grasping Spock’s hand, watching to make sure I didn’t miss any further sign of movement, no matter how slight. Sure enough, his fingers began to twitch.

“Spock. Spock, what can I do to help you? Can you tell me, or transmit an impression through our touch?”

When I received no response of any kind, I commed Sarek, requesting he come quickly to Spock's chamber. I wasn’t sure of the procedure for helping Spock fight his way back to consciousness and I didn’t want to take a chance on prolonging his coma-like state any longer than absolutely necessary.

I need not have worried, as T’Pau’s assistant appeared and took charge of monitoring Spock’s vital signs and adjusting monitors, assuring me I was still needed to sustain direct touch as my husband emerged from his trance.

Sarek entered the chamber, alerted to his son’s changing medical status.

“Will they need to strike him to help bring him out?” I asked Sarek, not wanting to interrupt the medical attendant from her ministrations.

“Because his injury is mental, not physical, that will not be necessary. The direct contact from your hand will do more to help him withdraw than anything else right now.”

Sarek studied the look on my face. “You look worried, Anne. Are you frightened?”

“Yes. I’m so scared he will wake up and feel my touch and be disturbed. He just lost his beloved bondmate to death, and I fear he’ll think somehow I tricked T’Pau into bonding him to me. This is all going to be a shock to him, and it’s not at all what he wants.

"I just…I dread seeing his eyes when he wakes and realizes all over again that his Jim is gone and somehow he got stuck with…me. I shouldn’t have done this. I should have never agreed to…”

“Anne," Sarek interrupted. "I cannot know the words to say to relieve your distress. But Spock will wake soon, and you will see how wrong you are to grieve so. My son has never been displeased with you. He knows your heart and your sacrifice for his and Jim’s happiness. I believe he will only express gratitude for saving his life.”

“It’s not true, Sa-mehk. The storm told me during our meld what Spock really wanted was to die so he could go be with Jim. That storm was just the manifestation of Spock’s unguarded thoughts. It told me he didn’t want me.

“Sarek—Spock clearly told me through that voice he would rather die than be saved through a connection with me.”

It was suddenly so clear to me. I knew now—my time here was done. I needed to leave. I needed to leave Vulcan. Leave and never look back. I must find work elsewhere in the quadrant, away from the house of Sarek. Working with the ambassador had only kept me connected to the family. I loved them. But the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the one. And my son was no longer here. I had no reason, no business being on Vulcan ever again.

It was past time for me to disappear completely so they could forget I existed, at least as anything more than Surev’s mother. Spock would rather die than be with me. Our bond had saved his life, but it wasn't a T'hy'la. He could easily have it severed again as soon as he was totally recovered. He would have plenty of time to find a suitable Vulcan bondmate for the rest of his life. Or be attended by surrogates.

“I have to go, Ambassador. Please tell Spock I’m relieved he’s alive and I’m so sorry for everything. Tell him that when he is recovered, he can have our bond severed and choose someone else. I will start divorce proceedings while I'm in San Francisco for Jim’s memorial service, if Spock doesn't mind my presence there. But afterward, Spock never has to see me again."

"Anne, do not do this," Sarek implored. "You deserve to hear Spock's explanation for what the storm said to you. I do not believe you have interpreted it correctly. For both my son's and your sake, I would request you not act rashly out of fear, but rather, take more time and logically consider your plans. The family cares a great deal for you, Anne. No one wants you to divorce Spock."

“I know I must seem irrational to you, Ambassador. But it will be for the best. I was foolish not to do it long ago.

"Thank you, sir, for all these years of support you’ve given Surev, and for allowing me to work as a member of your entourage. When Surev arrives, I’m sure he’ll come right here to see his father. I know that will help both of them, and Surev’s bond with his father should provide further strength."

Extending the ta’al, I added, “Thank you for being a second father to me all these years. And please give Amanda all my love, and thank her for her tender care and friendship. Live long and prosper.”

What a fool. What was I thinking to go along with this? Just one more of my many mistakes. I released Spock’s hand and turned to go, finally finding the courage to make a clean break.

Back then, I had felt so lucky to escape the inferno on M547 that killed my fellow mission crewmembers; and yet as it turned out, I had allowed M547 to destroy me, too. After half a lifetime wasted on memories of one glorious year, I was finally waking up—as eventually, dreamers do.

But as I turned to walk away, Spock, without warning, reached and grasped my wrist firmly enough I could not pull away. I had not even realized he was fully conscious.

I looked back at his face, and his eyes slowly blinked and then opened. I watched as Spock turned his head to look at me.

God, I would rather have died than stand there, facing this moment of truth.

"Let go of me, Spock. I'm finally letting go of you."


	8. The Dreamlife of Angels

Captain Kirk's memorial service was as awful as anyone who knew Jim and Spock imagined it would be.

Starfleet communications center had been flooded by the sheer volume of expressions of condolence received from throughout the Federation.

The memorial tribute was scheduled for the seventh day following Spock's emergence from his healing trance, to allow him time for meditation and personal grieving, to reorder his mind and rebuild physical strength. It also allowed Spock more healing time with his son.

Attendance had been restricted to no more than 20,000 mourners, though the proceedings were broadcast throughout the galaxy for those who could not attend or who wished to feel a part of the tribute. The service was of necessity held outside, as Starfleet had no indoor facilities to accommodate that many guests.

Seated in the front row before the speaker's podium were Spock and Surev, both crisp in Starfleet uniform, looking beautiful and logical and utterly professional, while I perceived through our connections their deep, unspeakable grief few could comprehend, as was the nature of the T’hy’la bond. What Kirk and Spock shared was transcendent. And Surev had been witness to and enveloped by it throughout their lives together, completing their devoted family.

A representational coffin draped with a Federation flag had been placed just in front of the podium. Of course, Jim's body had never been recovered, so it was merely symbolic. But it would be buried in a plot of honor in the United Federation of Planets Cemetery near Starfleet Headquarters, marked with a simple eternal flame.

Sarek sat to the right of his son and grandson, along with two of his envoys, as Spock’s mother, Amanda, was in too poor health to attend in person. She would be watching the broadcast though, along with her medical aide. Sarek had brought with him personal, handwritten notes from Amanda for Spock and Surev, expressing her sorrow at being unable to travel to Earth, and a few brief thoughts of her deep love for her son and his Jim, her “favorite” son-in-law.

Beings representing almost every planet known throughout charted space were present, many of whom openly wept, not to mention so many young ones and Academy cadets who idolized Captain Kirk from reading about him in their history books. And, of course, as many of Kirk’s former Enterprise crewmembers as were still alive and able to get to Earth in time were seated directly behind their former commander and his family.

In fact, it was former Ensign, now Rear Admiral, Pavel Chekov officiating over the memorial today, struggling to contain his own emotional display as he always thought of Kirk as a father figure.

Woven throughout the tapestry of tributes to the legendary captain were stories of his heroism and self sacrifice—all the millions of lives his tactical and diplomatic skills had saved, his dedication and honor and professional record in Starfleet being without equal, along with the number of times he himself was wounded in action, usually while protecting others. In fact, listing all of Captain Kirk’s numerous lifetime achievements, awards, medals, and commendations alone took a full five standard minutes, only partially because Rear Admiral Chekov’s voice kept breaking.

Finally, even Spock's and Sarek's eyes shimmered with tears along with Surev's, as the Missing Man Flyover streaked across the sky above the ceremony, timed to coincide with the color guard folding of the Federation burial flag into the symbolic tri-cornered shape. It was presented to Spock as the surviving spouse with the traditional words, "On behalf of the President of the United Federation of Planets, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's service to a grateful Federation." I felt their hearts seize as they watched one lone airship rise away from the flyby formation and disappear, signifying Captain Kirk's departure to the next realm.

I watched it all from inside a briefing room lined with large windows overlooking the mourning crowd, allowing me to observe and hear everything while shielding heavily against my family being distracted by my presence or my emotions. Stoic on the outside, I could sense that on the inside, Surev and his father longed to just hold each other and weep and find comfort in one another, as their family had been ripped apart viciously, with neither time to prepare emotionally nor to allow the family the chance to tell Jim goodbye.

This would be my last time to ever see the beautiful face of the man I had loved with everything in me and also to see his father, Sarek, himself a venerated dignitary with whom I had worked the past five years.

I had yet to visit with my son, instead making sure he had as much time as possible to grieve with his father in private. But we planned to meet later that evening for dinner and to begin what I now thought of as the “conversation of a lifetime,” which Surev insisted we share before he returned to his duties on the Excelsior. He also insisted on a mind meld to prevent any recurrence of my nightmares about his father.

I still ached inside every time I thought of Surev revealing he had always known my sadness while growing up. That was totally unacceptable to me. I was even considering sending Spock a note, asking him to help his son forget all of it. My stomach burned with shame and guilt. I didn’t want my mistakes to affect my son ever again. He had important work to do out in the universe, without the weight of memories of his mother’s weaknesses and failures to ever drag him down.

When I arrived on Earth the day before Jim’s memorial, I met with Starfleet Legal and filed the forms necessary to formally end my 25-year "marriage that never really was" to Spock.

The paperwork was simple. Quick. Damning. The divorce would be finalized within mere weeks as we shared no property to divide, no conflicts requiring a Judge Advocate General to settle.

Now, if paperwork could just take away my memory of blissfully dancing in Spock’s arms at our wedding, baby Surev between us, as our eyes and hearts made silent promises of love and life to each other.

Promises that were broken within mere hours.

If only I could forget.

I had ordered dinner for my incredibly brilliant and handsome son and me to be brought to my room, located in one of the many apartment buildings Starfleet made available for visiting dignitaries and officers. Surev’s arrival was precise, as always. His Vulcan traits always made me smile. Precise and dignified—so like his father.

I loved my son to the other side of eternity and back.

Here in private, Surev did not restrain from thoroughly hugging me, picking me up while doing so, as we had not spent time together for the two years he had been assigned to Captain Sulu. No matter what he did or did not know, there had always been an easy, deep affection between us, with plenty of laughing and teasing on the side. He was very much as I had been when I was young, before I met…well…not important now.

I had ordered all of Surev’s favorites: assorted grilled vegetables with rice, along with some Vulcan delicacies. He always enjoyed showing off his _mad_ skills using ancient chopsticks, an ability he definitely didn't inherit from me, as his rich, teasing laughter never let me forget.

With each bite, my son forgot his Vulcan restraint and made little noises of delight as the tastes mixed on his palate.

“After months and months of eating only replicated food, this is nothing short of heaven. Thank you, Mother, for remembering.”

I snickered. “Silly boy, a mom never forgets her child’s favorite foods even after he grows up.” We enjoyed a few more bites, and then Surev could restrain himself no longer.

“I looked for you at the service earlier, Mother. Father and I had thought you would sit with us.”

“I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that, Surev. The family unit being honored was that of you and your fathers. I had no place there. But thank you for feeling that way about my presence. I was actually there, looking down from briefing room nine.”

“I know that room,” Surev remembered. “It would be a perfect place to watch in privacy, undisturbed.”

“I was so proud of you when you got up and spoke of your love for Jim; not as a captain or a hero, but as a father to you. That day-to-day side of him most people never got to see. I mean, he always bragged about you and showed everyone your holos everywhere he went. But they didn’t know the dad he was to you when it was just the three of you. Your personal memories and anecdotes brought a lot of guests to tears today." It was stinging my eyes even now as I praised Surev's words.

“You not only loved Jim but deeply respected him. That’s something not every parent earns these days of fast-paced space exploration and universal crises. No matter what was going on, Jim always made time for you, even when you were very small.

“I enjoyed watching all those times he pulled you up into his lap as he sat in his captain’s chair and all your cute little shared giggles, as he pointed out the universe to you through the front viewscreen, calling you his pi' khart-lan. He was so proud to call you his son. He loved you more than life itself. Dare I say, more than even the Enterprise, and that’s saying something.”

Surev smiled shyly. Even at his age and rank, he still had that sweet, boyish look about him when embarrassed.

“He loved you too, Mother. Dad never forgot the sacrifice you made for him and Father to be together. Father and Dad loved each other so deeply, finding so much strength and comfort in each other.

“But Mother,” Surev put down his sticks and reached across the table to take both my hands in his now, “They both believed your love was even greater than theirs, that you could freely sacrifice so much for their happiness and the chance to share their lives. They both knew they owed every second of every day together to just one person. You.”

“Surev.” I just lowered my head and shook it side to side. “Baby, they didn’t give me a second thought. Their eyes and hearts were completely filled with each other. I was nothing more than an intrusion—not even so much as an afterthought.

“Over the past few days, I’ve finally resigned myself to the fact I should have divorced your father when he and Jim bonded. Spock deserved a clean slate with Jim. They both did. I should have left the Enterprise and found another post elsewhere in Starfleet— and let them raise you. Especially now that I know you were aware of my every crazy thought and sadness when you were growing up. You never deserved to have to suffer along with me. And everyone on the Enterprise loved you so much. You were sunshine to anyone who ever met you.”

My son, still holding my hands between his, left his seat now and lowered himself to one knee beside me, looking up into my face.

“Mother, no. All four of us would have been miserable if you had done that. Father and Dad couldn’t have lived with you leaving—leaving me behind. They knew I needed you, as you needed me. You offered up your life to bring me into this world. You deserved better than that, Mother. They would never have wanted us to be apart.

“I knew your sadness through our bond, as I told you the other night, but I also knew great joy myself at being with all three of my parents every day. I loved how everyone doted on me. There couldn’t be a happier little boy than I was. I had the run of an entire starship, with not only my three loving parents, but Scotty and Uncle Bones and Sulu and Chekov and Uhura and Chapel and Rand as my mentors to the universe.

“You have been needlessly agonizing over what I told you about my awareness of your emotions when I was growing up. Your sadness. Your love for Father that has never died.

“It hasn’t, has it, Mother? You still love Father just as much as ever, don’t you?”

“Surev…”

“Mother, just admit it. You’re still deeply in love with my father.”

“Son.” I had to look away. The hope in Surev’s eyes broke my heart. But I knew what I had to say.

“No, Surev. I’m…I’m not. I have vowed within myself to terminate that part of me that loved Spock. He will soon have a new bondmate. And then my feelings for your father would be even more inappropriate and…wasted, as they always have been.

“He loved Jim long before he even met me. Had he known Jim loved him, he would never have had anything to do with me, baby. Your father only had eyes for Jim since he found out about their T’hy’la bond. There has been no place for me in your father’s heart since that very moment. I don’t even exist to Spock. I’ve come to the point in my life when I have to, I mean, I _want_ to stop my self destruction.

“How pathetic is it of me to have kept your father as the center of my universe, when I wasn’t even a speck of space dust in his?

“No more, son. I choose to dig myself out of this and stop being a fool. I’m just not going to love your father any more. I have the best part of him anyway. I have you.” I reached up and stroked his cheek. “No mother has ever been more blessed. I can’t tell you what it means to me that you can look back on your childhood with fondness in spite of me. I definitely feel a little better knowing that.”

“So, Mother...you don’t need to ask Father to make me forget the sad emotions I picked up from you.”

I looked up at him, surprised once again. 

“I swear I’m going to procure some new shields, since obviously the ones I’m using are completely defective!” I just shook my head at my son. Again he learned something from my thoughts I never wanted him to know.

“Well, you _did_ use my name within that thought, so I couldn’t help but overhear your plan.” Surev winked at me while standing back up to return to his seat across the table.

“But Mother, there’s something else you need to know. Before I tell you, I need you to promise me something.”

“I’m not sure I can at this point, son. It kind of depends on what it is.” I chuckled, somewhat embarrassed that I couldn’t even lie to my son to make him feel better.

“Mother, it’s about when you used to want to die.”

I jumped up from the table, gasping, as I threw down my napkin. “My God, Surev. How did you know about that? I never wanted you to know! God, I must be the most horrible mother in the universe!”

Surev stood and came to put his arm around me. “I knew, Mother, because those emotions were just too powerful for any human to shield from a familial bond.

“I was scared, Mom. I knew you kept planning to sacrifice your life during some mission, so no one would suspect it was suicide by enemy attack.

“As soon as I perceived your intentions, I told Father and Dad about it. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you.

“From then on, they didn't let you know, but Jim assigned extra security just to protect _you_ when you were on mission teams, to keep you from being able to carry out your plans. Both Father and Dad knew you’d be suspicious if they abruptly stopped appointing you to landing parties, so they just vowed to keep you safe. You had already sacrificed enough for us all."

I didn't know what to say. I was totally stunned. But that definitely explained what was happening back then.

“And now, Mother,” Surev’s mood lightened as he led me away from the dining table and into the living area to a soft, plush sofa. “How about for dessert I meld with you and we put a permanent end to those nightmares that have haunted you for so long?”

My son learned long ago how to charm his way into getting exactly what he wanted from his mom by flashing those big, chocolate brown Vulcan eyes, full of mischief and charisma. He melted my heart every time with those winks and dimples. Tall, skinny, brilliant Vulcans had been affecting me that way for decades.

For a moment, I almost forgot that now, only one Human-Vulcan would be allowed to touch my heart that way ever again.

* pi' khart-lan = little captain


	9. Distance Between Dreams

The planet Aketi was the closest thing to paradise I had ever experienced, flourishing with verdant, lush grasslands and forests, regal mountain ranges, and azure oceans almost as expansive as those on Earth but teeming with even more sea life. For those such as I who were entranced by watercolor-splashed sunrises and sunsets, you could not ask for a more perfect home, as three Aketian moons adorned the sky. Tracking them as their opposing revolutions crossed paths had become one of my favorite off-duty diversions, as at least one of the moons was usually visible at any time.

It was an unprecedented honor to be included as a member of the inaugural Federation diplomatic entourage appointed here. Our embassy was the very first ever allowed on the planet, and Adriel Heuron made history as Aketi's first ever out-world ambassador.

We were finally invited on planet due mostly to the fruits of long, hard weeks and hours of negotiation between the Aketian Prime Minister and her cabinet and Ambassadors Sarek of Vulcan and Odan of Trill, as historically, Aketi had always been closed to out-worlders in any capacity. Aketi being securely self-sustaining, the entire planet was rich in natural resources and fertile soil and a luxuriously warm climate making it optimum for thriving flora and fauna.

Their people lacked for nothing.

And since they maintained their own space fleet for protection, the Aketian government saw little need to open relations with the Federation or any other foreign agent, for that matter. In fact, Aketi had not been under threat from any group anywhere in their quadrant for over three centuries. They lived an almost idyllic life of national peace and tranquility.

After Jim’s funeral and after my former father-in-law finally accepted that I could not be convinced to remain on Vulcan, Ambassador Sarek had very graciously recommended me for attachment to the Federation’s “at large” diplomatic corps, using my engineering and communication skills wherever they were deemed most beneficial.

Truthfully though, it was I who needed the Corps, as I wanted to put as much distance between myself and my present bondmate as possible. Aside from the occasional communiqué with my son these past 17 months, and exchanged messages of love and condolence when Amanda had passed away shortly after I arrived here, I had burned any ties to my previous home. I planned to finish out the remainder of my years serving others as long as I was physically able. I was only in my mid-50's, so I hoped I had much to offer for a long time still.

I felt very blessed to be attached to such a charming, previously unreached people group and to enjoy this paradise in which to live and work. This was a new dream come true. My assignments required so much of my attention that I had finally achieved a genuine respite from the heartache of my previous life.

In fact, I rarely (by comparison anyway) thought of my former husband any more—perhaps as seldom as twice a day now. This was real progress and more than I originally hoped to attain. My mind was more ordered and at peace, my shields developed more fully and firmly in place.

Except for those two short times a day. But I could handle that.

Because of my complete removal from all things Spock, and the further refinement of my shields, I no longer felt or even perceived our bond. There were no thoughts, no emotions, no energy exchanges between us. I was not sure whether that was the result of Spock having a Vulcan healer dissolve our bond as I had requested, or if instead he was also heavily shielding, perhaps waiting for the onset of his next Pon Farr episode to sever our bond and institute a new one with a new mate of his choice.

According to the Vulcan seven-year mating sequence, Spock could enter Pon Farr at any time during the next year, unless his cycle had been disrupted by the mental stress of Jim’s death.

Spock had told me back on M547 that seeing my naked body as I bathed in our lake had instigated his cycle and emergence into plak’tow that resulted in Surev’s conception. I always thought he was only teasing me about it, but on the small likelihood it actually was a possibility, that might mean the opposite was also possible, and the depth of Spock’s grief might postpone its onset. 

And then, I realized what I was doing and chastised myself. Here I was, thinking about him again. And not just thinking about him—allowing myself to spend considerable time reflecting on his mating cycle. 

Oh well. Two steps forward and three steps back. I would make sure to spend more time in meditation before bed tonight. For sure, there would be nothing to hinder me.

I received a message from Ambassador Heuron’s office that he wished to see me for a short meeting. We had been overseeing an excavation of the Vantoral region in Mergizi valley—an area the Aketis believed to be the ancient site of a first contact event with some unknown civilization from another planet. Since they had long lost track of who those visitors might be, we were searching for artifacts that might shed some light on the mystery.

Our discussion was enjoyable and lively, as the Ambassador was a brilliant engineer and researcher in his own right, very knowledgeable in his field.

Finally, he switched the subject from work to...something else.

“Anne, we've worked together quite awhile now, and we've gotten to know each other better. I was thinking that sometime, perhaps you could join me for dinner. Your life on the Enterprise must have been very exciting, and you must have dozens of stories I'd love to hear.”

That caught me totally off guard. I must have looked completely surprised.

The ambassador rose and walked around to the front of his desk, closer to my chair, and leaned back, crossing his arms and ankles.

“Perhaps I made that more ambiguous than I should have,” he said, looking down into my face with a somewhat hopeful smile. “Anne, I’m asking you to go out with me—on a date. A _real_ date, not a work-related meeting."

I seemed to be frozen in time, unable to move my mouth to form words.

"You know," he continued, "that thing where two people go to a restaurant and share a meal and talk about their interests and hobbies and such. A  _date_...date.”

I had not dated since before I became a crewmember on the Enterprise. Something like 29 years. After all, I never _dated_ Spock. I saved his life by making love with him—well, I made love, he…he had sex, as it turned out.

For four solid days I made love to Spock while he fucked me. And for sure, nowhere in there would anything we did together constitute dating. By anyone's definition.

Spock had only ever _really_ made love to Jim. 

And would the day _ever_ come when that didn't rip my heart to pieces?

And...this would mean yet another extra hour in meditation tonight.  
  
"Anne? Aketi to Anne...are you in there? Still with me?"

My head shook, startled back to reality. “I'm so sorry! Yes, I'm here," I fake-chuckled for good measure. "Ambassador, I…”

“Call me Adriel, please. 'Adriel.' A good, solid Biblical name.”

“I remember. A nobleman. Book of Samuel, isn’t it? I can’t quite recall what Adriel means, though.”

“God’s flock. And 'Anne,' from the Hebrew Hanna. Gracious. ‘Gift of God’s favor.’ Also found in the Book of Samuel. Quite a coincidence, huh?”

Definitely, this was the absolute first time a man had hit on me using Biblical references. Novel.

Worth looking into. Maybe.

“Adriel, I’m…flattered by your invitation. I admit, sir, it has been decades since a man has asked me out.”

“But you were married," Adriel said, now his turn to be surprised. "I hate to be indelicate, but are you saying you married Ambassador Spock having never dated him? See, _this_ could be an interesting topic of conversation over a dish of Aketi’s most exquisite cuisine and some wine.”

“Ambas… _Ambassador_ Spock?” I stuttered. 

“You didn’t know? Yes, Spock was appointed Federation ambassador-at-large to New Qo’noS. I believe he has been in residence for about a year. Goodness, not much of one for stalking the ex, are you?” He winked, chuckling innocently.

“Ambassador…Adriel. Would you please excuse me? I seem to have a headache coming on.

“And in answer to your kind invitation, I'd be honored to go out with you. Just send details to my PADD. I'm free most anytime I am not on duty at the site.”

This was so strange. I had never been one to get headaches. But then, I had never been one to get asked out on dates, either.

I needed to go meditate. Now.

I no sooner arrived in my quarters than I heard my PADD chirp notification of a new message received.

“What in the world?” I muttered out loud to no one.

I had just received a high priority message from Ambassador Sarek, requesting to meet with me on “a matter of importance.” This was not only completely unexpected, but highly irregular. Not being in his employ for over a year, I couldn't imagine any reason he would need to talk to me. No, not just talk. "Meet." It made no sense at all.

I laughed to myself. Well, at least _he_ wouldn’t be asking me out on a date.

And then, Sarek’s follow-up message arrived.

“Would you be agreeable to my joining you for a private dinner, perhaps in your quarters? I have a matter of some urgency to discuss with you, and I will be in the Aketi sector within two standard days. I can easily adjust my schedule to include spending some time with you.”

What? What the...the _hell?_ There just was no other way to say it. What was going on?


	10. The Girl Of Your Dreams

Dating. Not for decades, and I hadn't missed it at all. And I  _certainly_  was not used to having meals alone with my former father-in-law.

My stomach had been in knots since I read Sarek’s request. I knew no good could come of this. It could only mean that once again, something was wrong in the family.

Amanda had passed shortly after I was assigned here on Aketi. I now learned that Spock had taken an ambassadorship. Surev was highly respected and on the fast track for promotion to Lieutenant Commander by the end of Excelsior’s current five year mission.

I couldn’t think of anything that would warrant a visit from the ambassador, much less the time involved in sharing a meal.

Unless...Spock was finally bonding with someone new, and Sarek thought it more appropriate to inform me in person.

Yes, that would actually make a lot of sense, as Spock’s cycle could be imminent, his need for an intimate bondmate for plak’tow just as imperative now to save his life as it was on M547; as it had been every seven year cycle since, when those life-saving intimacies were fulfilled in the arms of his beloved Jim.

What was wrong with me? The intrigue of Sarek’s message was nicking at the edge of my shields, but I couldn’t imagine why. 

Truly, I was over Spock. There was no need to break the news to me in person. A quick informative note would have been more than sufficient. Spock choosing a new mate didn’t affect me in the least…not in any way.

And I had expected to never see Sarek again after Jim’s memorial.

On the other hand, Sarek had been very gracious to me throughout my time as his daughter-in-law and especially after Jim’s passing. He had recommended me highly for my present job, and I was positive my presence here was as much from his intervention as from my skill and experience. Still, Sarek’s role in the Federation, and for that matter, in the Galaxy, was far too crucial to chance displeasing him for no reason. But I had proven many times over to be a valuable asset to the Corps.

It was silly of me to feel so hesitant, as I had loved Sarek and been like a daughter to him and Amanda for many years. Even though Jim had been their favorite son-in-law, I had been reminded many times that I was their favorite daughter-in-law.  Both Amanda and Sarek often referred to me as such.

Still, this knot in my stomach couldn't be reasoned away; it was like some ominous foreboding.

Fortunately, the next day dawned on our discovery of several significant artifacts; fortuitous for me personally as that had taken dinner with the boss, Adriel, off the table for the foreseeable future. That gave me time to settle this matter with Sarek, whatever it turned out to be; assured my bond with Spock no longer existed, freeing me to move forward with my future. Or at least forward to a _date_ date.

Sarek’s requirements for sustenance were vastly different from his grandson’s. While Surev’s Human taste buds craved spicier, authentic flavors when away from ship replicators, Sarek’s requirements were simple—food must be logically healthy.

This time, I prepared our meal myself, something even I could easily do for a non-picky eater. Yet, my hands shook as I chopped and stirred and sautéed. I couldn't explain it. The only goals I had for this night were simply to not burn dinner, and to keep my emotions perfectly in check when Sarek announced Spock’s upcoming nuptials and bonding. I made sure I was prepared for both.

As I checked the chronometer one last time, my door chime rang. I wiped my hands and called out “enter” as I walked toward the entryway. Sarek, of course, arrived precisely on time. He wore robes of black and brown, and there were new stress crinkles at the corners of his eyes, accented by dark circles I had never seen before. It was obvious the past 17 months and Amanda’s passing had affected him deeply.

Sarek had loved his Human as deeply as Spock loved his. Father and son had much in common.

Sarek extended the ta’al with traditional greeting, and I returned mine. I wanted to reach out and embrace him then, but not being part of his family any more, that was out of the question.

I motioned his invitation to move to the livingroom, and as he was seated on the sofa, I sat in the chair to his side.

“How are you, Ambassador?” I smiled my warmest. "I know you've been keeping very busy."

“I am adequate, thank you. And you, Anne? You have made great changes in your life since we last met.”

“I also am adequate, sir. And yes, the changes have been great, thanks to you. I love it here. I work with great people and the Aketians are amazing; warm and friendly and open to us. I had worried that with their history, it would take much longer for them to accept and trust us. But we are way ahead of our projected timetable in that regard.”

“That is gratifying to hear." Sarek's eyes flickered with what would hint of pride if he were Human. “There are very appetizing scents coming from your kitchen. May I join you and watch? Perhaps there is something I might do to help.”

“Everything is almost ready, just a few final touches. But please do feel free to keep me company.” I rose and walked toward the kitchen. Looking back over my shoulder, I asked, “Do you ever cook these days, or does your assistant prepare all your meals?”

My attention was suddenly drawn toward the front entry. I had picked up on some almost imperceptible sound. But Sarek didn’t react at all, so I knew I had imagined it. Sarek’s hearing was markedly superior to mine, and if anything were amiss, he would be aware long before I would.

His attention remained on my questions.

“I have been known to, as Humans say, putter around the food preparation chamber. But my hours are often long and arduous, and on those days I either have replicated meals or my assistant cooks. My deputies take very seriously their role of keeping us healthy and energized for long negotiation sessions. But though I am quite old by Human standards, I am, in Vulcan terms, at most what you would consider middle aged. I require little to function at the levels needed for extended mediation.

“I saw you had your dining table set. Shall we bring our plates in here to fill?” Sarek's offer seemed unusual—it wouldn't be for Humans, but for staid Vulcans? Almost improper.

I smiled at him as he turned to retrieve our dishes. Vulcan tradition would require the male to be seated while served at the table by the female. But a very Human Amanda Grayson had quietly nudged her husband into accepting equality in marriage. And yet, it pleased her beyond measure to serve her husband by choice, as eventually Sarek found satisfaction in graciously caring for the needs of his wife. Amanda and I had spent many an hour discussing the Vulcan culture in which she had immersed herself and the little areas where she had successfully interjected more balanced interactions.

We carried our food to the table, and Sarek stood until I was seated. The elder Vulcan never ceased to amaze me.

As we began eating, Sarek stated, “This really is lovely, Anne. Everything is quite flavorful. Thank you for going out of your way to create this delightful and enjoyable meal.”

I grinned ridiculously as this was the most praise I had ever received from my fath...my former father-in-law about my cooking.

“Enjoyable? You, Sarek? Find this enjoyable?”

“As I grow older and spend more time around other species, I have learned to allow myself small indulgences. This time with you is such.”

Okay, that was it. Really, what was going on? Sarek just called me an "indulgence." The knot in my stomach was quickly replaced by ravenous curiosity.

“Sarek,” I sighed deeply, “what gives? Aketi is not on the way to anywhere you would be traveling in the quadrant. You didn’t just happen to be in the neighborhood and thought you’d drop by. You had to purposefully plan coming here.

“Have I done something wrong? Have my superiors contacted you and reported that they are not pleased with my work? Have you decided to let me down easy by saying nice things before you announce that I am fired? If I have offended someone or even committed an offense that I don’t know about, just tell me. It’s like ripping an old-fashioned band-aid off a wound. It’s easier if you just do it quickly rather than by painstaking increments.

“I won't be able to eat another bite until you tell me what exactly brought you here."

“No, Anne," Sarek answered as he fastidiously lowered his fork to his plate and folded his hands in his lap. "There are no negative reports, no offenses. Everyone in the entourage is pleased with your work. You are brilliant and hard working and they are fortunate to have you.

“Anyone...would be fortunate to have you.”

I watched agape as Sarek stood and placed his napkin in his chair. He came around the table and extended his left hand toward me, in obvious supplication for me to take it. I looked from his hand to his face and back to his hand. And back to his eyes. And blinked quickly to clear my vision, as I was apparently hallucinating.

I could never in a million years imagine that I would be presented with this situation. Or at least, certainly not with Sarek. Offering his hand? Expecting me to take it?

Vulcans seemed to stun me with amazing frequency. After all, their fingers and hands were sensitive and protected from casual touch, and yet here, his request couldn’t be more overt.

I quickly ran through the ingredients I had used in my recipes. No, there was nothing I used in the food, no unusual spices or flavorings that I hadn’t used many times, even while cooking for my Vulcan family. Nothing I fed him could affect his ability to reason soberly.

And yet, there was no other explanation for Sarek’s action.

“Anne. Cease over-thinking. I request you take my hand.” Sarek’s expression was intent. He meant every word, every one hundred percent Vulcan male word.

I relented and reluctantly placed my hand in his with not even a wild guess what would happen next. He tightened his fingers around mine and by lifting my hand, indicated his request for me to stand.

I stood.

My napkin drifted to whereabouts unknown.

Sarek reached down and gently grasped my other hand, wrapping fingers around it, too. For far too many seconds, he just stood there holding them, gazing into my eyes.

“Anne, for years I have known what a fool my son was. You are a beautiful person of great heart and courage, character and strength. You offered my son everything you are, and he experienced it for a year. He placed life inside you—the most wonderful child anyone could have.

“It has caused Amanda and Surev great sadness to watch you suffer through the years. I feel regret that I was not fully cognizant of your anguish.

“But in your silence, in your private moments, I saw loneliness etched in your face, clouding your eyes. I watched as my own son ignored you, flaunting his happiness while his actions stole your chance for a joyful life. He insisted on being only with Jim, rather than share his time and love between you both.

“Amanda always wished you could find love again with someone else and be happy. She also wished for me to experience joy in life. She opened the door to those emotions for me, and we shared many fulfilling years.

“But now, Anne, I am alone. You are alone. Neither of us needs remain companionless any longer.

“I am not my son. I will never abandon you for anyone else. I believe I can cherish you as you always deserved to be. Spock was cruel to you, and heartless.

“But I will make it my purpose to bring you happiness for the rest of your life, and we will have many years left to experience joy together, in spite of the years of grievous pain he caused you. Together, we will show him what love can truly be. 

“Anne, will you be my bondmate and join our life forces through our remaining years?"

God help me, my hand had a mind of its own. I wrenched from Sarek’s grasp, reared back, and slapped the shit out of him, as hard as I could. The bastard didn’t even have the decency to flinch.

I instantly lost all that fancy control I had spent so many months, so many hours in meditation nurturing.

My anger flared red hot, as I screamed at Sarek, “Don’t you _ever_   speak about Spock like that again in my presence. How dare you say those things, and about your own son! Spock is a million times better man than most anyone I’ve ever met. You will speak about him with respect in this house. I will not allow him to be denigrated by anyone, especially his father.

"He has been the most loving, amazing father to Surev. And during that year we were marooned together, no one could have been a more beautiful, perfect husband. I’ve spent half my life in love with him. Don’t come in here and act like there could ever be anyone else but Spock in my heart. Ever.” I wasn't even aware till then that my face was wet, as the floodgates of my heart burst wide open.

“You hear that, my son?" For some reason, Sarek actually smiled and called out into the... _air_.

“Anne loves you. I told you, Spock. She continues to be in love with you.”

Through my raving, I again heard that noise from the front room and turned to see…

"SPOCK!"

Standing there, resplendent in all black: elegant, beautiful, eyes glistening. Glorious. Magnificent.

Obviously, Spock had not severed our bond, because all at once, he completely dropped all of his shields, flooding me with overwhelming emotions— _affectionlovewantneeddesirebeautifullovetouchmineforgivesorrowloveforgivemeloveashaya._

My knees gave way beneath me as I stared at him, sinking back into my dining chair under the weight of his unbridled thoughts. Within three strides, Spock reached me and dropped to his knee.

“Anne, Anne.” He opened his mouth as if to say more but nothing came out. He took my hands and brought my fingers to his lips.

I was so overcome by his emotions and my own inability to process what was happening, I was lightheaded. His affection was overpowering me. I fought to control falling, and Spock reached out and grasped my arms, preventing it. He stroked my hair as he did all those years ago when we were stranded together. His eyes held mine and he would not look away.

“I will get you a glass of water," Spock said, starting to stand. "Just sit here quietly.”

“No, I will get it for you, son," Sarek stated from behind him. "Remain with her.” Sarek turned and left the room.

When he returned with a glass, Sarek looked down into my face. “Kaiidth. I said what I had to say to force you to admit your feelings for Spock before deciding to marry Ambassador Heuron."

Turning to his son, he added, “Spock, I will return to our ship now and remain there until I hear from you.”


	11. The Girl of Your Dreams: As Spock Awoke

**_17 Months Earlier-Spock's POV_**

I was floating at the back of a long, narrow cavern with undefined walls. Everything around me swirled black...cold.

Before me was a strand of light. I moved toward it—not walking but gliding as on a great conveyor. I had no say in the matter, I was merely in attendance. Origin of noise in the distance was indeterminable, beyond categorization.

I moved faster now, extending toward the sound. Fascinating. A sound Humans would consider pleasant, yet neither gentle nor comforting. Resolved—it is a voice. Frantic? No. Pleading emphatically, but fearing my negative answer.

Everything in me was static. I felt no compulsion one way or the other: stay or go, comply or refuse. 

_Jim._

Jim should be here with me. This is wrong. All is wrong. Jim has been everywhere for many years. Now, emptiness. Desolation. Jim…is gone. _Gone!_

Despair! I desire to reach out to him, but Jim…simply does not exist any longer. He is nowhere—there is no direction to reach for him.

My chest will explode from this void. My heart aches. A thousand mah-vel pound through my skull. I am under water and know not which way is up. I am drowning in the vacuity left by my T’hy’la.

Alone. I am as I was when young. No one touches me. A rusty, discarded vessel. Everything inside is gouged out. I am no one. There is no longer identity.

I continue gliding toward the voice, but it matters not. My Jim is no more. There is only void. I belong nowhere.

Are those words? I am drawn closer. I stand and am drawn to run. I hear her. The sweet voice is…almost familiar. Have I heard it before?

 _“Spock.”_  She calls to me. How does she know my name? I know not hers.

Now more clearly.

_"This, now is his appointed time. You cannot have him. He is loved here. He is needed…here…now. I will not let go of him."_

Is she…speaking about me? To me? I possess no understanding.

 _"Spock, please answer me…I am here for you. Come to me…you can be with Jim for eternity, after you finish here first…Your son loves you…Surev still needs you…Amanda…needs you. Sarek weeps silently for his beloved son..._ _Spock. I will not leave."_

Surev. Who is Surev? Amanda. I am filled with warmth at the name Amanda. She is important. Sarek. Sternly significant.

 I proceed down the tunnel. The voice grows clearer. Something. I can almost…recognize. This voice says,  _Spock…I am here to bring you home. Let me lead you to your son, family. They need you. Spock, where are you?”_

Home? I have no home. Home is Jim. Jim is…nowhere. He was everything…everywhere.

I am isolated but for the voice. It will not silence. Impatient. Commanding.

_"Help me to trust you again...I am blind here...I’m scared, Spock."_

Trust. Scared. My bond with my beloved is nowhere. But something in me reaches toward the voice. She and the light are one. She calls and I move to her.

 _“I still need you…my love.”_  I am her love? But Jim…Jim. But she loves… ANNE. Her name is Anne.

_"I still love you, baby, so much. You do not have to love me back."_

The emptiness is lifting. Anne reaches outward for me. There is a remnant of broken thread inside me, drawn toward her. Why?

I remember. Anne…was my bondmate. Surev is our child. We are married. But she ended our bond long ago. Why?

Her light bears a remnant of our bond. She is filling me, light filling the empty spaces. I am close _—_ close to the end of the darkness. 

She is here now. I must run faster. She might withdraw her light and leave again.

BOND? The threads envelope me, wrapping around me, guiding me to Anne. She is entwined now also. The two threads are as one.

I feel Anne…everywhere! But Jim?

Anne. Light.

I feel her hand on mine. Home. Comforting.

Sadness. Overwhelming sadness. Mine. Hers.

Sleep.

Awake.

My eyes strain to open. There. I want to look at her. My bondmate now.

Words. My bondmate struggles with someone.  She pulls her hand away from mine. No! I reach out and touch her. I turn my head to see her.

"Let go of me, Spock. I'm finally letting go of you."

No! Stay. My words go unheard. What do I do?

I push _stay_ through the new bond, but I am not strong enough yet.

Emptiness yet again. I try to lift my head but it will not. I try to call out. I cannot. I turn my head back to nothing. Only the empty ceiling above me.

Sleep.

**_Two Days Ago_ **

“Sa-mekh, I am unsure how to proceed. Anne has just accepted a proposal from the Federation Ambassador to Aketi. I sense in her the overture was unexpected. But after contemplation, she answered affirmatively. She will marry him and never know the truth about the storm. I cannot abide this."

“You do not wish her to marry the ambassador, my son?" Sarek inquired. "He is a good man. I chaired the committee that appointed him to his position on Aketi. He is well educated and well prepared.”

“If marrying him makes her happiest, I will step aside. But I believe before she decides, she deserves the truth. I have been patient, Father. I believed if I waited and merely monitored her thoughts while away, her emotions would soften and she would turn away from hating me. I believed at that time, she might agree to see me and I could tell her the truth of what she heard.  
  
"Since leaving Vulcan, she has not severed our new bond. That predisposes her willingness to meet with me. It is logical she learn the voice she heard in my mind was not mine. She needs to know those words were fabricated by someone else."

“My son, I observed Anne closely from the time you collapsed at Jim's passing until you began to revive from your healing trance,” Sarek advised. “There was a very distinct change in Anne's demeanor between the moment she arrived on Mt. Seleya worried about your survival and after the words she heard in your mind. She was devastated to learn you hated her and would rather die than be joined with her.

"And neither did I understand. I had perceived you always held respect and affection for Anne; thus I requested she remain and allow you to explain then. I believe she was so deeply grieved she simply had no emotional strength to stay. She believed the words T'Pau's assistant, T’Karic, planted in your mind, and as I was not yet aware of T'Karic's deceit, I could not provide Anne with a plausible explanation for what she heard.

"I have always believed Anne not only had a right to know the truth, but needed to know. However, so much time has passed, and you say she has worked to exorcise her regard for you. I estimate the odds are 57,482 to one against her agreement to see you. She has made every effort to shield herself against you."

"In that event, Sa-mekh, based on your interactions with Humans through the years you lived and worked among them, what actions do you advise I take to improve those odds? I am convinced it is imperative to meet with my bondmate as expeditiously as possible."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mah-vel = hammers


	12. Butterfly Dreaming

“Spock, why are you here on Aketi...sneaking into my home?” I could barely manage even a whisper.

Never could I have imagined an evening as this one had turned out to be. I wondered how long I had until either local law enforcement or embassy officials would come to arrest me for assaulting Ambassador Sarek. Threatening an ambassador was an inter-galactic offense which might, I feared, possibly even invoke the death penalty on some planets.

“I could no longer stay away," Spock answered. "Not when I perceived you accepted Ambassador Heuron’s proposal. I could not allow you to marry someone else without you at least hearing the truth first. And I could not tell you the truth until I ascertained whether you still held regard for me…or it was completely hopeless.

“Anne, there is so much I have to explain, now that I know you do continue to have feelings for me.”

After the dizziness had passed, Spock helped me up and over to the sofa where I now sat, my emotions running the gamut, the worst of which was disgrace.

“I hit your father. I struck His Excellency, the Vulcan ambassador to Earth, the man I thought of as sa-mekh for so many years. I slapped him as hard as I could, Spock, without even thinking about it. Not only are my actions reprehensible, I'm guilty of assault. And I’ll be lucky if that is the only formal charge I face.”

“That will not occur. No one but the three of us and Surev will ever know it happened unless you tell them. It was always Father’s intent to provoke you to admit your true feelings for me, whatever they were. It was…a gamble, as Humans say, but one we both believed must be taken, as it appeared we had little time remaining. My father is a strong man. I assure you that other than his stinging malar region, you did not injure him.”

“So, to clarify, Spock. Your father did not actually just propose Vulcan marriage to me, right?”

“I assure you, had my father proposed to you with intent, it would not be _your_ handprint he now wears.”

I just shook my head as I looked into his face. This was all too surreal. “And what in God’s name made you think I was marrying Adriel?”

“Are you not? I perceived through our bond that your inner conflict regarding his request seemed more extreme than was warranted by a mere dinner invitation.”

“Yes, Spock, you who were not even aware of my arousal during our first dinner together on the Enterprise when we discussed your home planet. So now, you’re the arbiter when it comes to the nuances of human interaction." A lone askance eyebrow answered my sarcasm.

“Did it ever occur to Sarek to just ask me how I felt about you? Wouldn't that have been a much more logical course of action?”

 “Surev had already asked you at my request when you had dinner together after the memorial service, before he returned to duty. You clearly expressed that you no longer would allow yourself to care about me.”

“Asking was _your_ idea then? Why?”

“You had just saved my life yet again by rebonding with me on Vulcan, which was a major step for you, considering you had already severed one bond with me previously. I wanted to know why you were willing to go through that again—to allow a mating bond to be reestablished.”

“Did Sarek tell you I suggested they find a young Vulcan to bond with you instead of me? One that would live as long as you?”

“He did; however, the specious circumstances you encountered upon your attempt to reinstate our mating bond precluded the certainty that the idea was authentically yours rather than being projected into your mind by someone else." Spock often inspired more questions than he answered, which drove me crazy.

“Projected? Spock, what are you talking about?”

“According to my father, as T’Pau began the process of reconnecting our bond to save my life, you saw a dark storm billowing in my mind which you believed expressed my dying thoughts. The “storm” told you I did not want you, and that I would rather die than be saved through joining with you again. The storm assured both you and me that if I joined with the clouds, Jim and I could be together again.”

“Yes, that’s exactly what you told me." This was a painful conversation I didn't want to relive. I changed my entire life after I suffered through it the first time.

“Anne, no. It was not I who told you this.

"When you turned to leave my bedside and I held your wrist, why did you not stay and talk to me? Why did you not ask if those were my words? I assure you, Ashaya, thoughts such as those have never been from me.”

“Don’t…don’t call me that. I haven’t been your Ashaya in almost 27 years.”

“As you wish.” Spock lowered his eyes.

“Spock, I left because I saw no reason to question what I heard. The revulsion you felt was laid bare right in front of me. I couldn’t handle it. It was that moment I knew I could never be around you again. This time what you said would eventually destroy me.

“And I was in _your_ mind with no one else around but T’Pau and Sarek. The storm _had_ to be the embodiment of you. Maybe you just weren’t aware of it at the time, and it was your subconscious speaking to me.”

“Anne, you have forgotten," Spock countered, "there were several Vulcans there with me: my medical attendants and T'Karic, T’Pau’s assistant. There was never a storm, and none of my thoughts, subconscious or otherwise, were communicating with you.

“By the time I finally learned that what you heard was created and planted in my mind by T’Karic as she was monitoring my trance, you had already left Vulcan.”

“T’Karic? Why? Why would she do something like that?”

“She believed that if you left, she would be chosen as my final bondmate, being the only young Vulcan female of child-bearing age immediately available and present at that time on Mt. Seleya.” Spock was clearly agitated as he revealed this.

“She wanted you for herself? Why didn’t you go ahead and join with her, Spock? Wouldn’t she be a better choice in the long run than anyone else, especially me?”

“A better choice? She lied to you. She conspired to deceive and hurt you. She has been dismissed from service because of such cruelty. I had thought I would explain all of this to you after Jim’s memorial,” Spock clarified now. “But I never saw you there.   
  
"I have believed after all these years, I developed a greater understanding of Humans. Anne, you are a constant challenge to that belief. If I wished to join with T’Karic as mate, I could have done so within the past 17 months. I would not be standing here now.

“When you left Vulcan after I regained consciousness, you were gone before I could locate you, to explain the truth of what you heard. Immediately after Jim’s memorial, I was served with papers of divorcement. That, along with your pronouncement that you were letting me go…"  
  
"Spock," I breathed, "my love for you almost killed me."

Spock's eyes looked positively haunted and heavy with sadness. "I finally realized that when I perceived you through our bond say you wanted to forget our wedding dance with our baby. I knew how much that day meant to you. And I knew, if that was truly your wish, then it was much too late for me. You had carved me out of your heart.

“All of these months, you have been learning more about shielding your thoughts from me and mine from you, and I respected your privacy as best I could; you never knew I still received bits and pieces of your more extreme emotions. I was distressed to perceive you were going to potentially marry Adriel Heuron, and I asked my father for advice. My father agreed that coming here to face you was the only logical action. Both he and Surev advised that extreme measures were called for to require you to first face your own emotions, before mine would ever be a consideration to you.”

“Spock, I have never once thought about marriage to anyone else. How did you ever pick up an idea like that?”

“The purpose of dating is to find a mate," Spock answered, as if it were simply the most obvious and logical concept in the universe.

I opened my mouth to retort, but realized I actually didn’t have one, even though all of Dr. McCoy’s expressions ran through my brain. I could only sigh; that deep, chest-clutching kind that signaled resignation.

“I’m never marrying anyone again, Spock," I reiterated. "How could I ever love anyone else, after experiencing such heart-consuming passion with you? That year in your arms on M547 ruined me for anyone else. That’s why I never got over you. How could I? How could anyone experience the depth and joy of love, bonded with you, and just walk away and expect to find any kind of happiness with someone else?

“You broke me, Spock. There has never been anyone for me but you. But because of Jim, there couldn't be you, either. God knows I tried. I prayed. I cried. I worked hard. I thought about starting my own recovery chapter, membership: one. But there is no recovering from you, Spock. You are literally one of a kind in this universe."

Taking a deep, heart wrenching breath, I turned and faced away from Spock, resigning myself to the truth. “You need to go now, Spock. I don't ever want to see you again. Your father is waiting for you on your ship.”

“But you know the truth now," Spock replied, genuinely puzzled, moving to stand in front of me again, leaning his head to the side in his especially endearing way.

“I do, I agree. But nothing has changed except that I now know you didn’t prefer death to life with me. You’re ambassador to Qo’noS. I’m working here. I love you. That’s nothing new. I always have.

“But you loved and will always love Jim. My part of the story is over, Spock. It ended almost 27 years ago. I can’t bring your T'hy'la back to you. God knows, I would if I could, even today, this very moment: I would die in his place, so willingly. But that’s impossible now as it was then.

"You held a sacred connection with Jim. And when T’Pau sanctified you, I felt through _our_ marital bond the fierceness and depth and joy of your love for your T'hy'la. I thought my heart was going to wither and die on the spot. I couldn’t bear that kind of pain after the kind of joy I felt with you on M547 and on Yorktown. I’m sorry I just wasn’t strong enough for that. I'm only Human."

“Yes, you are. And at this moment you are my Human.” Spock flashed a strange glint in his eye, and before I could even attempt to discern what that meant, Spock swept me up in his arms at the same time he opened his communicator.

“Two to beam up,” Spock instructed before my mind could catch up with this wild, impetuous action. We shimmered out of my apartment and rematerialized on Sarek’s shuttlecraft.

“What the hell, Spock! Put me down!” And wasn’t that déjà vu from all those years ago? This time, Spock did lower me to the deck while I glared at him. “Are you out of your mind? Kidnapping me?”

“Yes, Ashaya, that is exactly what I am doing." He turned to Sarek and nodded. "Ready to leave orbit, Father?”

I was so caught off guard by this unimaginable charade that I stood there, blinking uncontrollably.

Sarek instructed, “Please be seated, Anne. We will reach our destination in 2.7 standard hours.” He swiftly ran fingers over the controls, engaging the warp drive.

“Ambassador? You’re in on this ridiculous scheme? But, you can't do this to me...it's illegal!” I wasn’t quite screaming but almost. I felt cornered.

“As is punching a Federation ambassador, t'nash-veh kan," Sarek assured me. "I believe you Humans call this a stalemate.”

“You wouldn’t do that, Sarek!”

“Are you quite certain? Indeed, this is an excellent time for proposal of a quid pro quo.”

“A quid…?” My eyelids closed to half phaser flare, as I growled, “You-wouldn’t-dare!”

“The Federation takes its diplomats’ safety and protection quite seriously when threatened by hostile forces.” Sarek mock-rubbed his cheek. “As I am sure my son does not take it lightly when his father is threatened for merely requesting your companionship in marriage.”

I looked back over my shoulder at Sarek’s partner-in-crime to see Spock shrug his shoulders and put his hands up in surrender.

“It would seem my father has greater power of jurisdiction in this matter than I had realized. Were I you, I would accept his proposal.”

Sarek turned and tossed over his shoulder, “That might not be the wisest choice of words, my son.”

My bondmate lifted one eyebrow in typical Spock fashion. “Nonetheless, I believe you find yourself in a position where your only recourse is to consider my father’s and my terms.”

“You’re tag-teaming me? Two superior ranking Federation officials against one minor envoy?”

“One minor envoy with a mean right hook,” Sarek added. “A mean…illegally thrown…right hook.” He again gently touched his face as though sore, while his eyes flashed mischievously.

"A right hook? It was a freaking slap! I promise, you'd know if I used my fist." I was stunned by the absurdity of Sarek's claims. Apparently, Vulcans were well-versed in hyperbole when it served their purposes.

“I would suggest, Envoy S'chn T'gai-Saunders, that you sit back and enjoy the ride for the next 2.7 hours. Spock brought several PADDs on board for your amusement, plus refreshment as you prefer.”

I looked back at Spock. “What is this about? Where are you taking me? Ambassador Heuron will notice I’m missing from my work tomorrow and report my absence to the council. I'll lose my job. I have research and documentation that needs completed."

“Actually, the ambassador has been notified that you are requesting a sabbatical for the next few days. You have been granted a temporary leave of absence.” Spock flashed a teasing wink at me—something I had not seen in decades.

“I will file a grievance with—“

“I was also considering that my wound might need attended by medical authorities, and they will insist this assault be filed in public record,” Sarek interrupted.

My shoulders collapsed as I resigned all argument. Other than beaming myself out into open space, there was no escape for at least the next few hours.

Our traitorous bond revealed my thoughts, so my abductor added, “Actually, Ashaya, there is no escape for the next seven standard days.”

………………

In 2.7 hours, Sarek dropped out of warp and entered orbit around some planet.

As I peered out the viewscreen, what I saw completely floored me. “What the hell, Spock? What have you done?”

“I arranged a brief shore leave for us.” Spock turned to his father and added, “Sa-mekh, thank you for the transport. If you would please beam Anne and me down to the site, I believe that will be all we need until the appointed pick-up time.”

“Agreed, Son. Live long and prosper, both of you, and I will await further instructions. I will return in seven standard days, and if all goes as planned, I will bring the additional personnel you requested.”

We shimmered into molecular particles and rematerialized in the one location of this universe I never thought I would ever see again. We were standing on the shore of our lake on planet M547. I looked across the soft, shimmering waters and was flooded with memories of when I was last here. Tending our wounds, building our cabin. My frantic terror at waking to find Spock had left with no warning. Bathing and making love in these waters, time after time. Creating our baby.

I suddenly realized it was not only me bringing up those memories. Spock was flooding me with warmth and affection, flashing scenes of our times together. My heart couldn’t help but respond to such passion and fervor. I felt him walk up behind me, touch his lips to my hair, and I felt his warm breath on my neck.

His hands went to my arms and turned me to face him.

“The mining operations have been very successful, as you know, since the Klingon conspiracy was broken. At the consulate's request, the site of our home here has been declared of historical significance and off limits all these years. I arranged to have everything cleaned and prepared for our arrival. The cabin has been stocked with everything we will need for the next seven days.

“Anne, I know we have much to discuss. I know it will take time to rediscover each other. But my regard for you never ceased. I know you’ve been hurt, but I also know your joy at preserving the sanctity of my T’hy’la bond with Jim.

“I will always miss him. I will always love him. You know that more than anyone else could ever know. Jim and I owe every happy moment we shared to your self-sacrifice.

“But you have sacrificed well beyond what should have been, Anne. I would ask you to give me a chance to earn back your love. Spend this time with me remembering that one glorious year we spent here in each other’s arms. The fun, the silliness, the deep passion.

“Will you allow us this time, Anne? Father is still in orbit, awaiting my final call to release him back to his present assignment. We would not really kidnap nor hold you here against your will.

“I simply ask for time. Will you allow me this chance to prove my very real affection and intentions?” Spock's face was so gentle, so much like the man I fell in love with.

“Is it truly up to me whether I stay or not?” I asked. I wanted to believe.

“Yes, Ashayam. It is your choice.”

“And who is Sarek bringing with him when he returns in seven days?”

“Christine, Janice, Uhura, Dr. McCoy, Surev, and any of our other friends and family as would be available to come.

“When we were marooned, you had wanted to be married here on our lake shore. If at the end of seven days you are willing, I would be gratified to formalize our rejoining with a Terran wedding ceremony here when they arrive.

“I will not pressure you nor rush you. But if you determine by the end of our time here that you could find a place for me in your heart again for the rest of our days, they will come and stand with us.”

I didn't know what to think...what to say. I was overwhelmed by everything that was happening.

I took off my shoes and walked up to the edge of the water, wading out just up to my ankles. I turned and started walking along the bank, flooded again with memories. Sounds. Colors. Feelings.

Gazing back over my shoulder at Spock, I watched his eyes. Spock, the dark, handsome, brilliant Vulcan with whom I had fallen head-over-heels in love on the Enterprise, as I worked in Engineering, hiding my goo-goo eyes. Spock, the beautiful, elegant Human who had broken my heart, his own cruelly crushed after years of joy with his captain.

Now standing behind me, fervently asking that we take the chance to help heal each other and join our lives once again. 

The question lay before me. Which is stronger? Fear....or love?

I turned and extended my hand back to my captor, and with the most hesitant of smiles quietly asked through our bond, _"Well—are you coming?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so concludes the saga of Anne and the love of her life, Mr. Spock.
> 
> Thank you for joining me as their story unfolded through Parts 1-3.  
>  _And who knows? Maybe they lived happily ever after..._


End file.
